Top Ten Best Ever Reasons Why You Should Pay Copyranter $50 A Year, LOL!
Next week, my paywall is going up. I will be posting at least 4 times/week. Free Subscribers will only get one post/week.
Like that headline? I learnt how to compile “viral” listicles like this one while writing for BuzzFeed.
1. I will be writing over 200 artiicles from now through December. That’s less than ¢25 an article. A QUARTER.
2. I Am The Only Child Of Appalachian Trail Hillbillies
Old Copyranter kin photo, above. Yes every male had a gun except great-great grandad, left. Yes, my Mom (pictured below, not born yet) grew up in a real log cabin. Yes I’ve done #1 and #2 in several different outhouses. Yes, I done #2 in an outhouse while staring at a huge glowing Black Widow Spider. Yes, I’ve shot many types of guns, never killed a living thing—only old coffee cans, bottles, and such. Yes, I’ve eaten squirrel more than once (shot by my Uncles). Not bad, little gamey. Yes, I’ve had a Water Moccasin skitter right between my legs in a crick while looking under rocks for crawldads (for fishing bait). Below, for reference: The Hatfield clan.
3. I AM the hardest working ad critic in the world
Nobody, NOBODY, looks at more ads—most of them painfully awful—day-to-day than me. And NOBODY has the combination of pro ad copywriter and pro ad critic experience that I do, thus making me, the de facto: Best Ad Critic In The World™.
4. I’m In Pretty Good Shape, For A Senior Citizen.
ABOVE: In my dilapidated 1993 Habs hat, the last year they won The Cup. I basically live in it (ask my wife). BELOW: Proving to her, simultaneously, that I am 6’ 1” and that hockey nets are 6’ wide.
5. We Once Moved A Douchebag Account Exec’s Entire Office Out Onto A Float In The Middle Of A Lake
“We” being the creative department. The account exec was a major asshole. He was on vacation at the time. He was not amused. We did not move it back for him. #CreativesRule
6. I Went From Being Almost Somewhat Rich To NOT Being Almost Somewhat Rich Literally Overnight
In the late 90s, our small NYC agency got ourselves the just-launched office supplies dot com business—estimated ad budget: $10 million. Above were the first kickoff offer ads. The kissing fish ad ran full-page nationally in USA Today. Right: a“half-off” ad that was approved to run the next month (once we replaced The Backstreet Boys’ Kevin Richardson with a model). We were about to start producing my hilarious TV campaign, when, one morning, we were informed that AT&T Venture Capital had pulled ALL of office supplies dot com’s funding: ad budget = $0. Just another Dot Com Bubble Burst story. But. FUCK.
7 I LOVE Animals, ALL Animals.
Yes, even spiders and snakes. L—wearing the BEST CAT EVER in all universes and dimensions as a hat (my Thinking Cat, if you will). R—Feeding the best desert cottontail ever in all universes and dimensions. We named her “Lightning”. She was our wild “pet”. She was nothing short of a miracle.
8. I Got to Pet Grumpy Cat On Her Birthday (at BuzzFeed)
I was “Copyranter” for BuzzFeed for about 18 months, 2012-13. Had my own page and logo. While there, I was the oldest BF employee by about ten years. It was a crash-course for me in “Millennial”. One day, Grumpy called me into her BF satellite office, and fired me, reminding me that I had repeatedly violated BuzzFeed’s ‘NO HATERZ” company policy. Read all about it here on Gawker, which inspired this article’s stupid headline.
9. BECAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO, BECAUSE I AM THE BEST AT WHAT I DO. YOU WILL BE INFORMED AND ENTERTAINED.
10. Because I’m going (mostly) behind a paywall starting Monday, January 16th.
For 2023, I’ve upped my schedule to four articles a week. Free Subscribers will be getting one post a week, None of which will include industry insights like this or creativity insights like this or posts where I get “creative” like this or my new audio posts, which will start next week.