What If Corporate Lawyers Wrote Taglines?

Lawyers loathe creativity. Below are hypothetical in-house lawyers' angry responses to ad creatives in imaginary internal tagline meetings.

Lawyers loathe creativity because creativity means “risky” thinking, going out on a limb. Corporate lawyers hate limbs. Most of these taglines are not creative taglines, but they do all make hazy, unsubstantiated “claims”. Lawyer revisions on the right.

1. Allstate

LAWYER: “What does (makes air quotes) ‘good’ mean to you, dipshits? Well, to insurance customers, good means (makes air quotes) ‘fucking fantastic’. Are you legally comfortable with saying You’re in (makes air quotes) ‘fucking fantastic’ hands? Didn’t think so…”

2. Pringles

LAWYER: “Do you idiots know how many people eat themselves to death every year? I don’t either. But it’s probably a big fat fucking number, fuckwads”.

3. Visa

LAWYER: “Everywhere. I want to be. Is Visa in every supermodel’s pussy? You can NOT be serious with this ridiculously impossible-to-fulfill fucking claim.”

4. Raid

LAWYER: “Have you hipster New York bozos ever had cockroaches in your domiciles? You know what kills them? Fire. You know what doesn’t? Spraying them…with anything. Except a flamethrower”.

5. Adidas

LAWYER: “Impossible is nothing? Are you FUCKING crazy? People will be jumping off cliffs flapping their arms and trying to catch bullets with their teeth and shit”.

6. Red Bull

LAWYER: “Jesus Litigation Christ. WINGS. Do bulls have wings? See my previous ‘jumping off cliffs’ comment. Bulls do have big dicks. Why not “…gives you four extra inches”? Makes more fucking sense”.

7. Lexus

LAWYER: “Amazing? Really. It’s a fucking car, not a time machine or a Fleshlight. I drive a Lexus. It’s so NOT amazing I’m thinking of suing them for a few mil over your moronic tagline”. (copyranter note: I especially hate this tagline.)

8. Gillette

LAWYER: “It’s not just wicked over-promising, it doesn’t even make a fucking lick of sense. ‘Gillette-Get’, I get it, it’s some stupid rhyming thing you stupid copywriters like to do, right? It’s fucking stupid”.

9. Coke

LAWYER: “You’re guaranteeing “happiness”…from drinking fucking sugar water. Why not say ‘open pure fucking ecstasy’ or ‘open enteral fucking bliss’? For FUCK’S sake”.

This is the first result on Getty for “angry lawyer”.