Names I Give my IBS Bowel Movements
You think you crap big? Hold my rear. Getting To Know Copyranter (part 1).
I often get sick of posting about the awful ad industry; believe me, it is worse than you are imagining. When I do get sick of it, I’ll be posting about other more personal, shitty things. This is the first part of a new “Getting To Know Copyranter” series.
In the last 17 years, I’ve shitted — conservative estimate — over 21,000 times, but only once in my pants. The number of generic GAS-Xs I’ve taken/chewed in that time is even higher. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome–Diarrhea, IBS–D for short. This doesn’t mean I have constant diarrhea, thank goodness. What it means is I average 3 craps a day, some days 4, 5, or even 6. For some of you, 6 craps a day probably sounds like heaven. No, it isn’t. It is very fucking far from God Damn Heaven.
Worldwide, gastrointestinal “experts” have no fucking clue what causes IBS. Because of this and their egos, many of them contend it doesn’t exist. Fucking assholes. I paid $500 (15+ years ago) just to meet with the supposed top GI doctor in New York City. He was clueless. Within 10 minutes, I was suggesting treatments to him. I didn’t get my money back.
So: I have had, and continue to have, a mind-boggling variety of BMs: everything from one tiny baby turd to a sudden jeans-destroying unstoppable powerfully explosive mixed mother-load of diarrhea while rounding the Cloisters during a walk through Fort Tryon Park — and everything in between. Every day is a mystery as to what kind of shit-day it’s going to be. Inevitably, I started naming my shits.
I gotta…take a crap, take a shit, take a shite, take a Shi’ite (just for variety, no offense meant, Muslims), “go”, “make”, “make shit happen”, “I’m going you-know-where to do you-know-what”, “Guess where I’m going?”(say this to my wife), “Going to my studio to create”, “Get my shit/crap/poop on”, “I Be Shittin’” (alternate “IBS” meaning).
Small: Ant, Bunny, Squirrel (Squirrels shit bigger than Bunnies), Baby, One Shard, Two Shards, Three Shards, etc., Small, Small+
Medium: Average, “Normal” (LOL), Medium, Medium-Minus (a teensy bigger than a Small+), Medium+
Large: Large, Large-Minus (a tad bigger than a Medium+), Large+, Full Hole, Full Hole + Half Bowl (This one, which would scare most non-IBS crappers, is pretty common for me.); Hole + Bowl Filler. This is my largest BM. It even scares me. It feels like I’ve shit myself empty right up to my esophagus (not true). If you got to see one, you would gasp, laugh, take a photo, run, call 9–1–1. Now: How I get to filling the bowl with this amount of feces varies. There’s the 2-parter, 3-parter, 5–10 parter, and 10+ parter which usually starts as small parts and ends with a looong (no, longer) gush of solid-ish poo.
Diarrhea: Diarrhea, Mixed Loose+Diarrhea, Mixed Solid+Diarrhea, Mixed Solid+Loose+Diarrhea, Explosive Diarrhea, Howitzer Diarrhea, Ass-And-Balls-Splattering Diarrhea, Diarrhea+Constipation (FUN)
MISC: The “One Long Gush” — which is a Loose+Diarrhea cocktail; When the IBS “urge” hits you, you usually have a few minutes until the unstoppable blast starts. But sometimes, less time, like near none. And no, you can’t stop it once it starts. It is unstoppable.
Yes, IBS-D sufferers also deal with Constipation. We have that “in-between” uncomfortable gaseous feeling — feeling like you need to go but then you can’t go — pretty much every fucking day. Often, the gas pains are excruciating, always, they are uncomfortable. Literary name: “Waiting For The Go”.
Farts are different, too. They’re heavier, louder, longer. And you can’t just let em rip because a “shart” is often lurking, waiting to ruin your underwear, jeans, day.
I’ve tried giving up many things in my diet. Sometimes, my condition improves…but just for a few days, maybe a week. Don’t feel too sorry for me. IBS isn’t “life threatening”, just Soul and Will and Pants threatening.
*—A version of this article originally appeared on Medium but it has been reedited and updated here because no one reads Medium.