Again, I Attempt To Translate Modern Marketing Headlines Into Civilian English.
Trying to be "servicey" here.
It’s been established: Nothing dehumanizes language like marketing. And Marketers are hellbent on torturing the English language to death. And the English language is choking and gagging from the all the waterboardings.
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My translations are in the green block quotes.
1. MICROSEGMENTATION, etc.
OK. Here we go. BFCM stands for Black Friday Cyber Monday. WTF is MICROSEGMENTATION? Well, according to AdAge:
Jesus Christmas Christ. Read that again, if you dare. My translations: “ultra-specific matrix” = an alternative dimension where customers are all Mr. Smiths . “capture and activate engagement” = kidnap customers and pry their eyes open with toothpicks, forcing them to visually “engage” with your product. “multiple real-time segments” = Well multiple = “many”, and real-time = actual “time” and segments = “pieces”. So: “many time pieces” = lots of watches, I guess.
2. AI
My Translation: How to unite Robots and other Robots to trick humans into buying massively heavy amounts (“scale”) of your shit. (Note: marketers love the words “scale” and “reach” [see below] because they cause non-marketers’ brains to shutdown because they are fucking meaningless.)
3. REACH
Well, “they” (including NBC Universal here) have already re-re-re-re-defined it into the fucking ether. Not that that will stop them from re-ing it more.
4. GEN Z
Hear that, youngins’? Your personas are not static. Aren’t you fucking relieved? Now: let’s get to your “core motivations”. Has AdAge nailed your three here? Why don’t you reflect for a sec. Contentment = happiness? Probably? Aspiration = “Breathing” (#1 definition). Probably also a yes. Or, “desire for achievement”? You tell me. Reflection = “fixing your thoughts on…something”. I don’t think you have much of a choice there, except a lobotomy.
This is your CORE, GEN Z.
5. TRANSFORMERS
Oh OH, they do love calling themselves other things that are wrong/make no sense. Evangelists. Ninjas. Jedis. Etc. What exactly do CMOs “transform”? Well, as we’ve seen above, (and directly above) they transform meaningful words into meaningless words. They’re “highly-engaged” in that.
Below: top visual results for “transformer”.
Thank you for your prostrat and innovision