The Indecipherable Dehumanizing Language of Modern Marketing
The Indecipherable Dehumanizing Language of Modern Marketing
A degree in Marketing is called (a) BS.
To Brand marketers, people are not humans They are “touchpoints”. They are “bubbles”. They are “models” (not the human kind). They are: Data. Over the last three months, I have screen-grabbed incomprehensible marketing headlines from AdAge and Adweek, the industry “experts”. Let’s all make our brains hurt.
HEADLINE #1
Premiumization? I’m sorry, but that word disrupts the “ephemerality” of my brain. How bout you effectively balance your Dystopian newspeak with a big pile of horseshit.
Hey! Lets talk about “cookies” for a sec. Do you like cookies? Everybody likes cookies. Marketers LOVE cookies. But cookies are now dead? Or near death? Something or other. The BSers do have a lot to say about them, for sure.
HEADLINE #2
Of all the things on this precious planet being threatened, “Multi-Touch Attribution” is probably very low on my list. I say probably, because I don’t know WTF it is. I do wish it luck during its forced adaptation, hope it doesn’t get hurt.
HEADLINE #3
DMP probably stands for “Data Management Platform”. I don’t know for sure. I didn’t read the article (sub. required). Assuming I’m right about DMP, that does not get me any closer to knowing what the Hell this headline means. “Unified Identity”? I know what those words mean, individually. But some marketing asshole has turned them into a malarkey buzz-sandwich. Re-re-reading this headline, in particular, gives me a headache.
HEADLINE #4
This is your brain on marketing. Any questions? Should my brand being living rent-free” in minds? Is that a good or bad thing? No matter, the buzzwordy bullshitty subhead waterboards my brain’s desperate attempt at “mental availability”.
HEADLINE #5
Crossing the Atlantic, here’s six words via UK marketing site The Drum. If only the author could have come up with a “p” word for “marginalization”. How bout “peripheralization”? BANG! Brilliant.
HEADLINE #6
This headline is also via The Drum. Tags and, especially, “accreditation” will definitely not save the planet. And sustainability—the hottest of hot new marketing buzzwords—is not a fucking game. Wanna really help save the planet, Brand? Cease existence.
HEADLINE #7
Check out the subhead: “…tap into (your) fund of human knowledge.” Imagine being in a brand marketing meeting (I’ve been in many, they are even worse than you can imagine) and having a supposed human being say that to you. How dehumanizing.
HEADLINE #8
Bob: “Yeah, I’m not loving that headline, Frank. The future of everything is (makes air quotes) hybrid. Hmm…I know, add ‘And Punk Rock’”.
Frank: “With an exclamation point?!?”
Bob: “No Frank, that would be hacky”.
(NOTE: There is nothing punk rock or plain rock or even “yacht” rock about marketing.)
HEADLINE #9
Lastly, marketers love stating “projections”. They love doing it almost as much as they love writing on whiteboards. Here, we have the privilege of viewing this marketing guru’s bold projection for 2022. Fucking brilliant, right? Just. Fucking. Brilliant.
I know many of you have seen this, but it’s always good to repost it for the new generation of marketers. The great brilliant Bill Hicks (RIP). Although he starts the bit with “If you work in advertising or marketing…” He is actually only talking about marketers here.
“There’s no rationalization in what you do…Rid the world of your evil machinations…Kill yourself.”