A Close Examination Of How Awful Alcohol Ads Have Gotten.

Condescending yet completely meaningless copy is the hot new category trend.

I like my alcohol advertising like I like my alcohol: Good and Plentiful—as long as it’s Good (double checks foggy logic of statement, decides to move forward). The last good alcohol campaign I can remember via my now always foggy brain is the fantastic Errol Morris Miller High Life spots (see all 78 of them here).

I ache for an alcohol campaign half as good as that. These ain’t it.

Chivas Regal (Asia)

The French-owned Scottish whiskey brand recently hired K-Pop-er LISA (always all caps) as their Asian “ambassador”, obviously aiming for the youngsters (not too young!). I don’t know who wrote her awful copy, I guess Chivas marketing people, no ad agency was listed in the credits.

COPY:

“I am me. I am LISA. My passion. My endeavor. My past. All I lived through brought me to where I am today (how novel). There were no shortcuts to get here. All I know is be yourself. Be authentic. Make success on your own terms. But success means nothing, (easy for you to say), not one thing, unless we share it like we share it in an unstoppable movement of endless elevation (WHAT the fuck are you talking about LISA). I rise, we rise (who’s “we”?).”

“…an unstoppable movement of endless elevation”. SEE: subhead, above.

Bulldog Gin (Italy)

I already wrote about this spot in a post titled: Ad Trend: Generic Commercials That Literally Could Be For Any Product. I need to double down on it for this new liquor ad trend.

COPY:

“I used to watch life from the sidelines. I am done fearing failure. No more illusions. I quit standing in line. I begin to create my own path. To find my vibe. To focus on here and now. To stand up from the crowd. I begin to rise and shine. To make things happen. I follow my rhythm from day til night. Whatever you begin, begin bold.”

Not said: “NOW GO DRINK A TON OF BULLDOG GIN”. If a v/o said that at the end of this shitty spot, I’d respect the brand.

Whitley Neill Gin (UK)

Here, the condescending meaninglessness doesn’t come until the tagline: “Inspired By The World (no you’re not)…made in the UK”. Before that uninspiring ending, we’re treated to what has become one of the most tired commercial digital tropes: “hero” character “seamlessly” digitally fake-walks through multiple sets handing out bottles of the product. How fucking boring. How not good. Ad agency: Red Brick Road, London.

Three Fold Hard Seltzer (UK)

Three Fold via Havas London presents an “all-star cast” dancing and sort-of parkouring to “No Unga Bunga” by James BKS. Fake digital bubbles fly everywhere, to emphasis the seltzer-ness. This is somewhere around the billionth ad iteration of the Be Yourself/Do Your Thing/U-B-U non-concept. So, what does “FLOW YOUR OWN WAY” mean here? To the press release:

Flow Your Own Way…celebrates people who defy categorisation to flow their own way whenever, however, and in whatever way feels good…who, by nature, refuse to simply 'go with the flow'…bringing to life Three Fold’s purpose…to champion self-expression in all its forms…and its Flow Your Own Way ethos.”

Ethos? What a large container ship load of bullshit. Three Fold’s purpose is to get you drunk.

FYI: Their outfits represent the three Three-Fold flavors. How inspiring.

RE: above offer—If you’re ever in my neighborhood (Washington Heights) in NYC, I’ll buy you one (1) drink.

Peroni (USA)

LIVE EVERY MOMENT. “LIVE” every “MOMENT”. Don’t DIE at ANY moment. Because then you’ll be DEAD—no more LIVE MOMENTS for you. (Spot released last month. As you probably know “Viva La Vida” translates to LIVE LIFE. So, also do that, don’t DIE LIFE.) Ad agency: None.

ABSOLUT (Global)

Lastly, I must include this piece of horseshit hubris released on Earth Day, 2019 by the French-owned Swedish vodka. Read the accompanying press release here, if you really feel you must.

Asked for an opinion at the time this ad was released, PLANET EARTH said it “does not drink alcohol (voluntarily)” and that it “was not consulted whatsoever about this ‘specious’ claim” and that it “would be seeking legal retribution”.

PREVIOUSLY: A Close Examination Of How Stupid Car Ad Copy Has Gotten.