A Close Examination Of How Stupid Car Ad Copy Has Gotten.

They talk to you like you’re a three-year-old. They spout cliched-clogged philosophical takes on “life”. They are an embarrassment to the advertising industry.

It is stupefying how bad car ads have gotten. And it’s not just American car ads. This is a worldwide trend. 13 ads, all from the last few months. The copy speaks for itself. My takes will be brief.

Volvo (USA)

Internal marketing meeting:

“How do we say ‘smarter’? What’s the first thought that comes to your mind when I say ‘smart’?

“SMARTPHONE!”

“That’s it! But ‘BIGGER’”.

Jeep (United Arab Emirates)

107 words, in 90 seconds, that say, absolutely NOTHING.

“Remember the first time you looked up? There it was: the big blue. Open. Free. Endless. Think back child. The world was your playground. Without walls. Without borders. Without inhibition. No rules. No limits. No must do, must say, must feel. No do the right thing. What is that? Who decides what’s right? Is it family? Friends? Society? Party? Country? You weren’t meant to feel this small. Not born to feel confined. So take it back. Free your mind. No, your whole being. Every pore. Every hair. Every breath. Every thought. Liberate yourself from the shackles of life. And roam…free. The new Wrangler Rubicon 392. Rewild Yourself.”

Ad agency: Science & Sunshine, Dubai.

“Liberate yourself from the shackles of life”. And your Jeep.

Dodge (USA)

Ignore Billie Eilish (Yes, she drives a Challenger. No, she’s not driving any of them in the ad). Cue the sultry female ad copy:

Power…can’t be tempered…silenced…or caged. It can only be set free.

But Power can be turned off. I’m pretty sure of that. Ad agency: GSD&M, Austin, Texas.

Ilia (Iran)

Ilia is a car brand in Iran. This two-minute spot was done freelance. 120 seconds, 101 words. Here we go again:

“Time is the most valuable asset in life. The asset accumulated by every single moment of life. Bitter and sweet moments…Easy and Harsh. The moments we indisputably go past the twisting roads of life (what). The moments we are absorbed in peace and unconcerned about the vibrations of life. The moments that we enjoy being in and perpetuate. The moments we feel pride and honor. Sometimes we have to stop. Sometimes we bravely face new ways. Crossing peaks and troughs grants you power, and (lets) you feel the earth and time is at your disposal. Anytime, Anywhere, you make your way.”

I deeply regret every “moment” I spent watching this ad atrocity.

BMW (USA)

“The BMW iX is electricity in its ultimate form (Oh, really? What about lightning?). An elegant trailblazer (lol what) that’s equal parts power and intelligence.” (would you say it’s more powerfully intelligent or intelligently powerful?)

Ad agency: none.

Lincoln (USA)

Matthew McConaughey isn’t just the “voice” of Lincoln, he’s the Creative Director of their US advertising.

“ (Extra heavy Texas draw) When you’re driving a Lincoln, stress seems to evaporate into thin air (the fuck it does). Which leads us (not me) to wonder: where does it go? Does it get tangled up in knots? Or disappear forever into some kind of bottomless pit? Or maybe it just floats off into the clouds. Does it shoot off like a rocket? Or fall victim to gravity? Maybe it moves on without you. Or takes on a life all its own. Sometimes I like to imagine it winds up somewhere over the Bermuda Triangle (where it kills a sailor). Perhaps you’ll come up with your own theory where the stress goes (up your ass?)”

Audi (Singapore)

This so, so fucking terrible, it has to be heard to be believed.

“(haute, British) What if a course could start a journey? What if a building could start an inspiration? What if a bridge could start a discovery? What if architecture could start a conversation? What if a garden could start an evolution? What if ideas could start the future?”

WHAT IF WE WROTE AN AD THAT STARTED THE END OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE? Ad agency: BBDO, Singapore.

Cadillac (USA)

Ad is for the “InnerSpace concept electric and autonomous luxury vehicle”. There is no copy here, except the brand tagline BE ICONIC. It just shows the car and water and two iconic-looking models walking in water, sitting in the car, leaning against each other, changing clothes, staring at mountains, staring at the camera, making you feel so inferior.

Understood Copy: You will never own this car. Fuck You.

YOU WANT TO BE US. YOU WANT TO BE WITH US. BUT YOU CAN’T AND YOU WON’T.

Porsche (Kuwait)

“The ad features a girl's adventures in life with a Macan as her SIDEKICK.” The young woman here is apparently a photographer/graffiti artist. Macan base price, US: $54,900. 85 words, 60 seconds.

“Adventure begins with you. The confidence. The passion. The determination to succeed. You will find it all within. Because you love to live in the moment; and it is your drive (get it?) that will take you to new places. And every new day brings new hope and a new feeling; because you are the one that makes every moment come alive. It is your time to be the hero of your life. Afterall, it is your story. Because every story has a hero; and every hero has a sidekick. Porsche Macan, your sidekick everywhere.”

My brain needs an acid bath to wash away the platitudinal cliches. Christ. Ad agency: BPG, Kuwait.

GMC (USA)

Only seven words of copy here, but they are so idiotic that they must be exposed:

(all caps because of “tough” male v/o) THINK PREMIUM CAN’T BE CAPABLE? THINK AGAIN.

No, I’ve never thought that. Neither has anybody else outside of your conference rooms. So therefore, I don’t need to think again. Morons.

Renault (France)

(pretentious whisper) “We are the different ones. The ones that like to get lost. The ones who enjoy making new friends (that’s so fucking different). We are the ones who don’t care about the next episode. The ones who don’t like the couch. The everyday rebels (you’re not rebels, you drive a Renault). We are the ones who drive the new Renault Kangoo. Welcome onboard.”

Ad agency: Publicis Conseil, Paris.

Just an everyday rebel.

Toyota (USA)

Lastly, We have a very recent ad for the Toyota Tundra Capstone targeting stylish black men. From the press note:

“…a highly stylish group of friends meet for coffee, but one friend pulls up in the all-new Tundra Capstone and out-styles them all.”

Dialogue:

Friend: “I’d say somebody stepped his game up, huh?”

Capstone driver: “Game over.”

Black stylish men would not talk so lamely to each other. They just wouldn’t. Ad agency: Burrell Communications.