Who The Hell Is Writing The God-Awful Banner Ads These Days?
It can't be AI robots yet. No, these are being written by "AI" (Averse to Intelligence) humans.
Yes, banner and their accompanying “square” online page ads have always been bad. But, as someone who’s been around long enough to have seen them from the beginning, They have now reached a Mariana Trench depth of idiotic lowness. Here’s a few recent ones:
1—Genesis
Genesis is the “luxury” division of Hyundai. MAKE WAY FOR WANT. What the actual FUCK are you talking about, Genesis? A more honest headline: GET YOUR GREED ON. I don’t “WANT” to make way for WANT. WANT. WANT. Just keep saying the word. Notice how stupid it sounds, how it kind of hurts your chest to say it. WANT.
2—Crown Royal
I didn’t know the NFL had a “proud whisky sponsor”. Anyway, now I do. Let’s examine the line: “KICK OFF WITH Crown Royal”. “KICK OFF” is a football expression, it’s how you start a game. So: I guess somebody is trying to say “Start the game drinking Crown Royal”, and if your team is losing (or winning) just keep drinking it until you fall down.
However: “KICK OFF” has another slang meaning: TO DIE. Which, while drinking Crown Royal, has certainly happened many, many times, probably even to an NFL player or two.
3—Toyota
DEAR TOYOTA (I write in ALL CAPS if the line is ALL CAPS.):
RE: your ad addressed to me, Winter. I am not a person or a even sentient talking, understanding thing and am not addressable whatsoever, therefore I can not respond to your claim about “RESALE VALUE”, which I don’t understand.
Thank you, Winter.
4—Sweet ‘N Low
I don’t know how “famously” pink it was in 1957 (The Pink Cadillac was hot) but OK, Pink=Branding=Client Approval. But? What’s the “Low” part?
Well, it is still, to this day, also “famously” made with Saccharin, which is according to science “carcinogenic for the urinary bladder in rats and mice, and most likely is carcinogenic in human beings.” Sweet!
5—Hennessy
This utterly MEANINGLESS headline feels like it was written by the Genesis ad writer (see #1, above). What the FUCK does it have to do with a cognac brand? A piano is (mostly) played by ONE person, not MANY. I guess, generally and mathematically speaking, yes, MORE IS MADE BY MANY. So, OK…Fuck Me, then.
NOTE: Dear above five brands: Pay me 500 bucks and I’ll send you each 10 non-bad banner lines.