Which Scientology Super Bowl Ad Scored Highest On Their E-Meter?
10 commercials. This is a non-scientific study.
Every year, USA Today (or its readers, who knows for sure) picks the Big Game’s Ad-Meter® winner. This year, it was the Rocket Mortgage “Dream House with Anna Kendrick and Barbie®” spot, proving that either/or/both USA Today/its readers don’t know their ads from a fucking hole in the ground*****.
(The Church of) Scientology has aired ads in 10 straight Super Bowls since 2013. How many have you seen? None? You’re not the only one. They don’t air them worldwide or even nationally. They only buy regional markets (not including, probably, Mississippi). None have featured Tom Cruise.
The E-Meter is an electronic device for displaying electrodermal (sympathetic skin response) activity. It is used for “auditing” humans by Scientologists. I don’t have an E-Meter handy, so I’ll be using my self-perceived “skin response” as the measure of relative marketing success.
We’ll start with this year’s ad, and then proceed in a random order.
2022: We Are Giants/YOU CAN RISE
My initial skin response before watching (or re-watching) even one second of these ads is “CRAWL”. This response is not represented on the E-Meter (see below).
But”RISE” is. “You are giants, tied down with string. And any moment, you can rise. The only question is: How?” This is the key copy line from this year’s spot, spoken while a song, “We Are Giants”, plays. Stuff starts magically “rising”, which is good. The “hero” is a creepy-looking man. He doesn’t rise.
Also included is a shot of an E-Meter (on RISE) and footage of a diver in a USA swimsuit, not an official Olympics suit as Scientology isn’t an official sponsor. She is, not rising, but falling, which is bad(?) on an E-Meter (see below).
Skin response (at least the skin/stuff in my stomach): NAUSEA. Especially after reading the obviously scrubbed YouTube comments. They all must be by Scientologists or bots and/or Tom Cruise. Video has over 12 million views in less than two weeks, probably all by Scientologists or bots and/or Tom Cruise.
2013: ‘Knowledge’
Back to their first Big Game ad (to my knowledge). This one is wall-to-wall spoken copy, which is rarely a good idea. Back even further to 1997 and another wall-to-wall (but with more “air” between the words) v/o ad for Apple, “Think Different”, which was a good idea because the copy was good. The Scientologists must have liked it because this “Knowledge” spot was quite similar to it. How does unoriginality read on the E-Meter? Skin Response (in my brain): SKEPTICISM.
2021: “Be More”
They’ve italicized the title, a hacky way to convey emphasis (as I know). Here, they kind of address the pandemic as the copy starts: “In the wake of the unimaginable…” The track is another cheesy-ass original tune, “Be More”. Like usual, lots of stock footage, this time of kids, artists, musicians, athletes, astronauts, and cops with riot shields. Skin Response: The generic banality makes my eyes (made of skin and other stuff) SLEEPY.
2014: Spiritual Technology
(big sigh) Well the E-Meter features more prominently here. So there’s that. The ending copy line is “Scientology: There are higher states of existence”. Skin Response: NONE, not even a quiver of the needle.
2015: Age of Answers
Key copy line: “Now Imagine an age where the predictability of science and the wisdom of religion, combine” (mind=blown). Skin Response: Scratching my balls.
2020: Rediscover the Human Soul
(Christ, I’m losing it) Well whaddya know: More quick-cutting stock video/photos of people, places, and things. That’s the fucking linchpin in ALL of their fucking ads—intermixed (sparsely) with re-re-reused footage of Scientologists, and E-Meters and shit. Skin Response: RAGE, RISING FUCKING RAGE (in my head-skin).
2016: “Who Am I?”
Very similar to the 2014 and 2015 ads. Lots of stock footage of tech stuff, none of which can answer the question: WHO AM I? Skin Response: I AM SO FUCKING SORRY I STARTED THIS FUCKING POST (whole body).
2019: “Curiosity”
This one was only 30 seconds. It says absolutely nothing concrete or interesting. Skin Response: COLD. It’s chilly in my NYC apartment at the moment.
2017: “Full Potential”
Again, thankfully only 30 seconds. Just noticed it’s the same V/O dude in all the spots. I wanna know who the fuck he is. That’s the ONLY thing I am curious about after sitting for hours through this video pile of FUCKING MUCK. Skin Response: I burped.
2018: “Curious?”
NO I AM NOT CURIOUS. SEE ABOVE, FUCKFACES. Skin Response: FUCK YOU (mouth and tongue + fingers).
Above: Cruise walks past/steps in overnight puke in Manhattan, circa 2008. Tiny Tom once said that Scientologists can't ride past a car accident without stopping because they're the only ones who can truly help. Yeah, I’ll take my chances with EMTs.
*****This wonderful phrase, which I use a lot, is directly from the mouth of my first creative director, who was also my best friend for over 40 years, since college hockey (he was a damn good goalie). Peter died in January 2021 from complications from the COVID virus. I miss him dearly.
Thank you! I needed this today!