Scenes from 30 years on the Frontlines of Advertising Hell.
Funny, Sad, and Horrifying scenes.
All of the following scenes are 100% true.
SCENE ONE:
President's office of a small New Jersey bank. We are presenting ads for a new high-rate CD. The first four ads have been met with indifference. We pull the “ace-in-hole” out of a fake-leather case. The ad features a small illustration of a black ski mask (including dramatic drop shadow) with a big ALL CAPS headline:
IF YOU'VE EVER WANTED TO ROB A BANK HERE'S YOUR CHANCE.
The President stares at the ad for about five seconds then says, "All three of our branches have been robbed in the last month."
(and...scene)
SCENE TWO:
NYC conference room. The licensing group that owned the Starter Athletic Apparel name was meeting with a bunch of agencies to talk about a new campaign. Accompanying the client was New York Giant’s NFL Hall of Fame Linebacker Lawrence "LT" Taylor, who was an investor. Introductions are made between the 6 men. My Creative Director starts in with our credentials spiel, but LT interrupts with a pressing question:
"WHERE’RE THE BITCHES?"
The other five men in the room snicker nervously. Awkward silence follows.
LT: “No, really (flashes big LT smile), you got any bitches workin' here?"
(and...scene)
POST-NOTE: We didn’t bring any of our “bitches” into the room. We didn’t get the business.
SCENE THREE:
The Brooklyn offices of multi-billion dollar trash company BFI (First PISS, now GARBAGE). At the time, New York’s worst kept secret was that the City garbage business was Mob controlled. You’d send out for three bid requests and get three responses with the exact same inflated number. The challenge: How do you say “rigged pricing collusion” without saying it? The client agreed to kickoff their NYC campaign with the below ad. It ran in Crain’s New York.
The Mob were not amused, apparently. Cut to the Brooklyn stoop of BFI's president one week after the ad ran. Early morning. The head of a German Shepherd sits on the top step. Attached to the head is a note: “WELCOME TO NEW YORK”. Seemingly, this was connected to our ad and/or The Godfather.
(and...scene)
SCENE FOUR:
My home work table, now fully a freelancer after getting fired from BuzzFeed. One of the first jobs I got was for a chain of cremation funeral homes in Australia. Below is one of the ads from the campaign. My first thought: BIG ASH SAVINGS! I included it in the presentation in the name of total transparency.
Now: I got this assignment exactly two weeks after we had my Father incinerated, dead from the cancer horribleness of multiple myeloma. Sitting on my work table was a modestly priced wooden receptacle full of his fresh ashes (see below) for inspiration as I “ideated.” Fucking hilarious, Karma.
I have many more True Horror Stories. Stay tuned.