Taglines That Say Absolutely Nothing

In each case, "Blah Blah Blah Blah-Blah" would say more about the brand.

It’s the first week of July which means: Tagline Week on Copyranter. This is the first (and probably last) week where every post (ending with this one) will obsessively examine terrible taglines.

If we had a tagline to write back in my day—which was better than today—we’d sometimes get the ball rolling by writing the most senseless lines we could think of. Like: SHIT IN YOUR FIST, THEN SQUEEZE IT!; or BETTER THAN A BETTER THING!; or THE GREEN CURTAINS LIKED WATCHING TV!; etc. The process created many laughs, especially if done stoned. If done stoned, it sometimes went on way too long. Like, wicked long. Then we’d each eat a whole pizza and pass out.

These taglines are also senseless, but they were written and approved by not-high people.

Under Armour

I WILL WHAT I WANT. What? Somebody got bit by the nasty alliteration bug. Let’s look at all the possible ways this pretentious yet meaningless line can be written. I WANT WHAT I WILL. (not better nor worse) WHAT I WILL I WANT. (very slightly better?) WHAT I WANT I WILL. (eh) Maybe if we remove the vowels: I WLL WHT I WNT. OK, I WANT CANDY.

Miller Lite

HOLD TRUE. HOLD. TRUE. Hold a Bud then? What about Lite is “true”? Well, you’re holding one of the world’s most watered-down beers. Lite’s 2011 “Man-Up” remains one the dumbest beer campaigns ever produced—a weak-ass light beer telling you to man-up, that’s rich. I don’t know what Miller means by Hold True. They don’t either (true).

Cars

Fact: (working) cars do advance and move forward ( if in Drive) when you press the gas pedal. ALL cars. Not just Acuras and Toyotas.

Martell

SOAR BEYOND THE EXPECTED. Another cognac that thinks it’s more than just distilled white fucking wine. What’s “THE EXPECTED”? Drunkenness? The bird logo on the bottle is a swift. That’s it “soaring” on Janelle Monae and behind Vincent Cassel and Tony Leung. I hate this inane line so much I want to fight it and beat the shit out of it.

Canon

SEE IMPOSSIBLE! What the fuck does “impossible” look like? If one looks through the lens of a Canon camera, does one find out? Can you see everything? Can you see forever? Other dimensions? All dimensions? What? WHAAAAATTTTT.

Spectrum

THINK FORWARD (scratches head, brain synapses fire, quickly stop firing, brain says ‘fuck this asinine line’, creates headache, body lays down). Seriously, look at that line. Look how important it thinks it is. KHNIT WRRAODF. Same letters. Much less important-looking. Just as meaningful.