Nobody Advertises Beer Better Than The Aussies

The ads don't just show a love for beer. They give it divine reverence.

American beer ads suck horse—specifically Clydesdale—cock. “The world’s most refreshing beer”? More like, the world’s most watered-down beer, am I right Coors Light (gak) drinkers? Find my beach? Well Corona, my beach is definitely not the private one Snoop Dogg spends seemingly every fucking day on talking on his “Shellphone” (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—HA) spouting “philosophical” dogshit. (I don’t blame Snoop for the campaign, he ain’t writing it [at least I hope not], just collecting “The Benjamins” as you kidz say.)

I could go on and on posting about how shit-awful US beer ads are/were/always will be. But I digress (a word I’ve never said out loud). You think you like beer? Hold my beer, and see below.

Any discussion about Australian beer ads must start with Carlton.

CARLTON

“Big Ad”

Produced in 2005 by ad agency George Paterson Y&R, Carlton’s “Big Ad” was a brilliant big budget beer ad mocking previous bad big budget beer ads. The spot features hundreds of real extras plus hundreds of fake CGI ones. It’s the fucking biggest beer ad ever made. And it makes me want to drink a lot of fucking beer, right fucking now.

“Flashbeer”

A year later, “Mr. Kevin Cavendish” wants to work as a brewer for Carlton, yet he has no “beer” experience. But “I love beer”, states Mr Cavendish in his tense interview. Head interviewer summarily dismisses him. But, Kevin has an ace up his sleeve. He recreates the final dance scene from the movie “Flashdance”, adding a face-soaking beer splash and a belly flop. He of course gets the job.

“Slo-Mo”

To 2010. 90 seconds of Australians in a pub being Australians in a pub, in very slow motion. Simple. And yet, complex. The track is Puccini’s aria "Nessun dorma”, with the lyrics changed a tad. The scenes are classic, including: man misses dartboard by a foot; man gets hand—covering a side pocket—drilled by 3-ball; butt-crack man plops down on bar stool; man spits out small piece of food, hits friend in the cheek. Ad agency: Clemenger BBDO. (Here is a three-minute version of the ad.)

“Beer Chase”

To 2012. Another epic idea: a car chase without cars. It's got cops-and-robbers with some cops "crashing," cheesy 1980s synth music and, smartly, the spot doubles as a "don't drink and drive" ad. And not one drop of beer is spilled. Ad agency: Clemenger BBDO.

Print

This campaign won a Gold Lion at Cannes in 2012. Yes, you can certainly view it as “sexist” (especially 10 years later). But Carlton wasn’t targeting wives. Married males, your choice: slink home and lose some more of your manly identity, or man-up and stay out and get more shitfaced with your mates drinking “doubled-hopped” Carlton MID. Those sweaters, left, are brilliant. And there's a secondary message here sent over the shoulders of married men to single dudes—keep drinking and keep puking and keep high-fiving and and don't ever enter this world of married hell. Ad agency: Clemenger BBDO.

HAHN

“Super Dry”

Hahn and their ad agency, Publicis Mojo, wanted to show exactly why Hahn’s is the “manliest” beer around. So, they gave us an inside peek at their brewing process—and what an amazing, hilarious process. Backed by the Knight Rider theme, the hops run through a gauntlet of TVs only showing Martial Arts fight scenes. Next, now liquified, the beer travels through the drums (three kick drums!) of an awesome set.

As a drummer, this scene touched me in special places.

Then, it is filtered through a a pyramid of sports trophies on its way to a vat dressed in an Elvis Presley outfit, ending in the glass of man dangling from a hovering helicopter. Fuck Yeah!

TOOHEYS

“Harvested”

This is absolutely the strangest beer commercial in beer advertising history. Just watch it, and then rejoin me here. (…) So, basically, a man with Elvis+ hair plants some of his hairs which grow into hair pods which birth more hims all holding a bottle of Tooheys Extra Dry. There’s also a party in the plot. I like it? Ad agency: BMF.

“Tongue”

Wait, maybe this is strangest beer commercial, etc. A disembodied tongue goes on a dangerous night quest to find a Tooheys brew, which it does, and then returns with bottle to its sleeping man’s mouth. The disembodied tongue isn’t an original idea, but in the category it sure as fuck is. The track is “Satisfaction” by Benny Bennassi. Ad agency: BMF.

“Mouth”

Sorry, this is quite possibly the strangest etc., etc. Continuing the “Tongue” campaign, BMF followed up with an even bizarre-er better execution. Your mouth has had enough, Mike: enough cheesy pickup talk; enough licking _____, enough sucking toes; enough mystery meat; enough kissing poodles; enough lip tattoos. This is “product as hero” never done better.

OY MATE, WTF?

CASCADE

“Cans”

I end with the funniest ad of the Down Under beer bunch. This is how you do a mockumentary. Cascade claims they invented the first beer can; it held 30 gallons. “It’s portability made it especially popular with the working man”. The six-pack scene is very amusing. Ad agency: VMLY&R, Melbourne.

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NOTE: a special thank you to Australian creative “Mango” for the inspiration for this post. Here’s his visually enticing Tumblr.