Close Examination of How Stupid Car Ad Copy Has Gotten, Continued

I actually miss the creatively-bereft ads featuring close-up shots of cars driving through cities/deserts/mountains/snow/.

Car Advertising has never been worse than it is now. Even the asinine 1980s “Oh What A Feeling” Toyota spots featuring people jumping like moronic frogs weren’t as bad as the current commercials.

Here’s part one in this series which will be ongoing for as long as car ad copy continues to be universally stupid; so forever.

KIA (USA)

New spot for the Sorento Hybrid. The copy:

“We didn’t just build another hybrid. We built a hard-charging 37 miles per gallon turbo-hybrid. With the range and power to find your next story. Wherever it might be.”

Then, the kicker line: “The 2023 Sorento Turbo-Hybrid…

“THE WORLD’S FIRST STORYTELLING MACHINE”

Say WHAT? Brands of course love saying “world’s first” or “world’s most”. Often they’re specious claims. This one is 100% bullshit and 110% illogical.

First, the illogical. If KIA had called it “the world’s first story-finding machine”, that would have made some sense. But they didn’t. Maybe it’s a massive proofreading-hearing error?

Does the car tell you stories as you drive? No. Does it recount your journey to you in story form after you’re done? No. Does it in fact have any storytelling abilities/technology what-so-fucking-ever? NO.

Now, the bullshit. A partial list of storytelling machines invented well before this car (which we’ve firmly established is NOT such a machine): telegraph; radio; record player; movie projector; TV; the See ‘N Say; computers.

Whomever wrote that line owes humanity a fucking explanation. Ad agency: None.

Woman about to sit on the edge of a cliff, but the Sorento can’’t tell a cliffhanger.

Maserati (France)

BEYOND THE SKY. That’s the only copy line in this 2022 spot for coal asshole Senator Joe Manchin’s favorite car brand.

Ad is for new Cielo MC20. After the usual boring beauty shots, we see the car fakely driving through clouds. Showing sports cars “flying” is far from a new execution.

But: those three words. BEYOND THE SKY. They bug the shit out of me. They mean nothing. And, the car is flying IN the sky, not beyond it. It’s not flying in space or even near-space. Am I nitpicking? Maybe. I don’t care. It’s a stupid nebulous line that insults people’s intelligence.

Ad agency: Herezie, Paris.

NOT Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

BMW (South Africa)

BMW attempts to own #JOY in a new South African spot. Previously, they’ve owned #PRICK. Here’s 90 seconds of heavy-handed cliche-clogged “manifesto” copy:

“We are the ones they have been waiting for. Or are we? Are we the ones meant to live up to their expectations? Or are we going to fulfill our destinies? Are we our ancestors wildest dreams? Or are we realizing our own? Are we rewriting the rules? Or are we remaking our world? Are we girl bosses? Or bosses? Are we going to finish someone else’s story? Or are we starting our own? Are we speaking truth to power? Or are we telling our powerful truth? Are we made by our history? Or are we freed by out future? Are we chasing their greatness? Or discovering our own? We are the ones we have been waiting for. Be the next generation of joy.”

ARE WE SELLING A CAR? OR ARE WE WRITING A LAME-ASS COLLEGE SOCIOLOGY PAPER?

Visuals include: a Muslim ballerina, a man dressed as a woman, protestors, and the obligatory skateboarder. Zzzz.

Here’s the pathetic press note, which speaks for itself. Ad agency: Wunderman Thompson.

I AM THE ONE I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR.