Celebrity Ads Have Never Been Worse

Pitt. Depp. Wahlberg. Damon. Bad. Dumb. Stupid. Awful.

It’s been proven, again and again. Celebrity ads do not work. They cost a shit-ton to produce and yet do not increase sales; they are a complete waste of money. But brands—the marketing “experts”—keep hiring famous people. Why?

1. Because they’re stupid.

2. It’s something to bring up at cocktail parties with their rich friends.

3. Their brand’s social media metrics increase (which means and does nothing).

4. It’s much easier than coming up with an actual intertesting/humorous concept that sells the benefit of the product.

Matt Damon: Crypto.com

(Note: I started this post Friday before this ad went viral for its badness.)

Where to start. What fucking hubris, corporate chest-thumping at its worst. Comparing cryptocurrency to Magellan, Sir Edmund Hilary, the Wright brothers, and “mere mortals” kissing at a nightclub (Maybe the nightclub was on fire?). Slow your roll, assholes. However, Matt Damon, according to many, an asshole, is the perfect spokesman for this product. And the words he speaks made me Laugh Out Loud:

“History is filled with almosts. With those who almost adventured, who almost achieved but ultimately for them it proved to be to much. Then there are others. The ones who embrace the moment and commit. And in these moments of truth these men and women, these mere mortals just like you and me, as they peer over the edge, they calm their minds and steel their nerves with four simple words that had been whispered by the intrepid since the time of the Romans... Fortune Favours The Brave.”

What a sloppy investor blowjob. You, Sir/Madam (official credits not available), are an awful writer.

Damon mocks loser Magellan who died while circumnavigating the planet.

The ad was directed by Oscar-winning Cinematographer (Inception) Wally Pfister, so combine him with Damon and Crypto spent a shitload of (fake?) money. Here’s the equally cringy “Making Of” video where we here Crypto’s CMO say these words:

“The first time I heard “fortune favors the brave”, my mind was blown (easily blown stupid mind, I guess). It perfectly captured what we were hoping to express as a brand.” (that being “pretentious hooey”.)

Ad agency: none. Production company: The Mill, London.

Matt stares at Mars where he “bravely ventured” in The Martian.

Johnny Depp: Dior Sauvage

Depp has been the, uh, model for “woodsy” men’s cologne Sauvage (Savage, in French) for years. This is the latest spot in a campaign that doesn’t vary much: Depp in the desert being “cool”, being secretly watched by a hot babe. This time the babe is replaced by five wolves (probably all female, because Depp is the hottest man in human history) and a large stack of amps. At the end of the spot Depp tells us in his most masculine gravelly abuser voice:

“In the Wilderness, Fearless and Human Survive…” (What The Fuck does that mean)

Where are the hungry coyotes and bobcats and peccaries and hawks? They should have also been drawn by the very loud annoying chords Depp bangs out. And all the starving animals would have then attacked and devoured Deep and left nothing but bones. That’s the ad that would sell me on “Savage”. (Note: Depp is a good guitarist, according to Alice Cooper.)

“Attack! Attack! CUT! Where’s the fucking wolf handler?”

Brad Pitt: De’Longhi Expresso

This is not an ad for expresso. This is an ad for Brad Pitt. A very good ad for Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt has a cool motorcycle, cooler than yours. Brad Pitt has a cool pad, cooler than yours. Brad Pitt is a beautiful, cool man, cooler and more beautiful than you. Brad Pitt enjoys espresso cooler than you do. What brand of expresso? Fuck if I remember. Who cares? It’s an ad for cool Brad Pitt and Im sold.

Note #1: The whistling track is so fucking annoying, I hate whistling.

Note #2: The only reason Pitt made this ad (probably) was to take a jab at his buddy George Clooney, long-time spokesman for Nespresso. Also to get paid a very large sum of money for a short bike ride.

Mark Wahlberg: Ladbrokes

Down in the Land Down Under, Markie Mark recently starting playing funky “Mike Iceberg”, the gambling company’s Chief Entertainment Officer. His job is to “Ladbroke” everything, which he then does.

This is supposed to be a “funny” ad with a “funny” character (I presume). It isn’t and he isn’t. Wahlberg simply makes a complete ass of himself. Ad agency: Thinkerbell, recently nominated (by me) as the stupidest agency name in the world.

Note: a more recent Ladbrokes Wahlberg ad was “found in breach of the Australian Association of National Advertisers” for violence. In it. “Iceberg” drills a man in the head with a ball (He “ladbroked” him).

Wahlberg “Ladbroking” the fucking Hell out of everything.

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NOTE: Other bad current celeb campaigns include the JB Smoove ads (co-starring Halle Berry’s tits as “Cleo”) for Ceasars Sportsbook. Also the Kate McKinnon Verizon spots are very depressing, but I’m happy for Kate getting a big paycheck.

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