Brand Taglines That Are Assholes

Slogans not just telling you how to live your life, but doing it with arrogance.

It’s the first week of July which means: Tagline Week on Copyranter. This is the first (and probably last) week where every post (two maybe three, we’ll see) will obsessively examine terrible taglines.

Taglines are a chance for copywriters to shine. Or suck. It’s hard work to write a good one. You have to write scores, hundreds even, to get to a decent one. A good one usually takes luck. And, as it is said, you create your own luck—through hard work.

None of the below taglines are good. Or even decent. Or even not awful. Note: all taglines here are either current or very recent. The recent ones may not still be in use. No matter, they were written, they were approved, they were implemented. Another note: I didn’t look up any of the responsible ad agencies but these are all big brands with well-known agencies. Also, I don’t care.

Canada Dry

RELAX HARDER? SUCK ME (no teeth, please) HARDER, sugar water. Fuckfaced Shitheads. You try to relax harder with a pandemic up your ass, IBS-D, Depression + Panic Disorder, Chronic Sinusitis, and a fastly shrinking brain. Tell ya what: Send my a pile of money and I’ll try really hard.

Grey Goose

LIVE VICTORIOUSLY? Yeah good, put more pressure on me, you overpriced French Fucks. Living Well ain’t good enough no more. No. You must vanquish your foes with blade and/or mace and wash done their entrails with a vodka martini with a twist. WAL-LACE! WAL-LACE!

Jameson

WIDEN THE CIRCLE? What if I don’t even have a fucking circle (of friends, that’s what they’re saying here). Yes, it is a positioning tagline, not a copy line. Via their website:

“As the serious whiskey that doesn’t take itself too seriously, we believe that easy moments of true connection make the world feel like a smaller place.
Unspoken bonds or “sparks” (as we like to call them) happen when kindred spirits connect. We want to encourage people to celebrate that spark between them over a glass of Jameson. So this year, why not widen the circle and bring some new voices to the table?”

Oh. So you want me to be an unpaid “influencer” for you. I’m right now so embarrassed to be Irish.

Glenfiddich

WHERE NEXT?-? I don’t have a fucking clue at the moment, angry judgemental buck. I haven’t been deer hunting since I was a teenager, so… Glenfiddich means “valley of the deer” in Scottish Gaelic. Kidding about the deer hunting sir, I’m actually heading to the nearest liquor store or bar, OK? Jesus, don’t gore me.

KIA

GIVE IT EVERYTHING? (Notice how all the Asshole Taglines are ALL CAPS.) Give what everything? The gas pedal? Life? My sexual thrusts? KIA introduced this tagline in a Telluride commercial during the 2020 Super Bowl. It became their worldwide umbrella tagline. R—on a gym wall. She doesn’t look like she’s giving it everything. She looks like she doesn’t give a shit about anything.

Northwestern Mutual

SPEND YOUR LIFE LIVING? Thanks for that keen advice, insurance fucks. “Get busy living or get busy dying” was already taken. Of course they want you “living” = active = longer life = more premium payments.

Tagline History Postlude: Goodyear

A funny tagline faux pas happened back in the 1980s. A competitor took Goodyear to court over its unproven claim "the best tires in the world have Goodyear written all over them." After losing, Instead of coming up with something else (We invented the fucking tire?), Goodyear added a pathetic "we say" to the front of their old slogan. Bridgestone and Michelin have since passed them in sales.