A Half-Assed Examination Of Bullshit Insurance Taglines
So caring, so friendly, so vague, so feigned.
(I’m quite proud of my run-on rant about State Farm, #2 below.)
1. MetLife
Getting your brand name into your tagline is often a good thing. Not here. And definitely not this line, on a blimp, which MetLife loves doing. The brand name feels extremely forced into this line. It’s a line that makes one (introverts) uncomfortable. Why are you asking me this personal question—it’s none of your business, you snoopy fucks (heh). And how does one “meet” Life? Makes one (OK, me) think of meeting Death, especially when it’s on a blimp.
2. State Farm
“Jake”—not his real name, not a real agent, not even the original real fake Jake—is so loved and respected because gosh he’s just so friendly and good lucking and all the big sports stars love him and he’s must be a “good neighbor” which means real State Farm agents are certainly also good neighbors and good customer service reps who treat you just like they were your good neighbor, even though they’re not your neighbor, and absolutely do NOT treat you like strangers and who’d rather shit in their hand and eat it than pay out even one fucking dime to you.
3. Cigna
Cigna’s cheerleader tagline (their stupid tree logo even looks a bit like a cheerleader). ALL THE WAY—to the END…of LIFE? Will they be there, holding my hand. as I take my last breath, give me a kiss on the cheek? Pick up my body, throw it in the back of their car, drive it to the morgue? Push me into the incinerator? Collect my ashes and scatter them in their ugly parking lot?
4. Mass Mutual
“There” being…where, you vague fuckers? Bankruptcy? A Potter’s Field (see: tagline #3, above)? The Corporate Lawyer Tagline Writer would replace “there” with “somewhere”.
4. Liberty Mutual
I like the LiMu Emu, only because I like all animals, even this mostly CGI one. I even don’t hate “Doug”, at least compared to fucking Flo.
YOU ONLY PAY FOR WHAT YOU NEED—How “progressive” (hard to avoid insurance company names even by accident). Knowing what I know about insurance companies (quite a bit, I’m old), this tagline is flatout balderdash. They will (and do) rip you off of every dang dollar they can, over-over-over-over-over-charging you “all the way” to the end.
5. Travelers
Travelers, as far as I can tell (60 seconds on Google), currently has no tagline. These two are from the past. The left one was a long-running (1981-2007) slogan they attached to lots of commercials with lots of people with black umbrellas (fucked people) and one person with a red umbrella (unfucked Travelers customer).
The right tagline was in effect from 1974-81. It reads like the Corporate Lawyer Tagline Writer saw the overpromising left one and then scribbled this on a Post-It note, though I think he would have added: “Maybe We Can’t” just to be extra lawyer-y.
6. Farmers
I have nothing to add.