WTF Are Marketers Talking About These Days?

A collection of recent perplexing, confusing, and just plain inexplicable headlines.

Marketers love having their own “language”. And they are constantly implement new words and phrases at an astonishing pace.

This post is all words. Lots of words. Words attached to other words making sentences. Sentences that are saying things. Things that must make sense to other marketers? Maybe? Maybe they’re all just pretending, clapping their cymbals like toy monkeys. Because to admit that they don’t have a fucking clue what they’re saying would mean the end of their jobs.

I read none of these articles. ( I don’t subscribe to useless websites.) You can look them up and read them, if you must.

1

“Phygital”. Good one.

2

consumers “experiencing” a car ride.

Marketers worldwide will have said the words “experience” and “experiential” over a billion times in the time it takes you to read this sentence. Customers need to now "experience” brand ads, not just “see” and “hear” them. You gotta play “the long game of loyalty”.

Or, you could create a great campaign that runs for longer than a blink, what used to be called “image” advertising. That’s been proven to build fucking loyalty.

3

Leading the brand to the “experiential” “moment” of not selling their product.

4

“weaponize”—marketers are so tough.

“Agile” is a new-ish buzzy marketing word. Which strongly implies that, not that long ago, marketers were all three-legged sloths. And yeah baby: WEAPONISE that consumer data against them, to bug, deceive, and fuck-over them.

5

“COLLABORATIVE STORYTELLING”. I still have no idea WTF that means. Who’s collaborating? It better not be marketers, who can barely create bowel movements. Stories, aka ideas, always come from one person. Because Brainstorming leads to destruction, not creation. But storytelling, aka advertising, can certainly “inspire” actions, including the action of “buying”.

6

“NARRATIVE MARKETING”—aka collaborative storytelling. Again, if marketers are involved in your brand’s “narrative”, you need to end that immediately. And how novel: “to put consumers at the center of your story”, something even the shitty pre creative revolution ad agencies of the 1950s did. What poppycock.

7

I don’t know what this means. And I don’t care.

8

If fucking brands are leading “the difficult conversations amid social, cultural, and economic inequity”, then, the human race is so fucking doomed.