WHEN LAWYERS ADVERTISE

They are not good at it. And they really love using terrible, incomprehensible animal metaphors.

Lawyers are not creative (except with billing). But because of their advanced degrees, they think they are. Many of these ads feature animals. Surprisingly none of them feature vultures or blood-sucking leeches.

Alabama

TV ad for McCutcheon & Hamner of Florence, Alabama. The above character’s name is Mr. Wong Fong Shu. He is neither McCutcheon nor Hamner. He is not Asian (note the fake-eyes glasses) and he is not targeting the Asian demographic. He is Jim DeBerry, a local TV producer. After the predictable backlash, Jimbo said “I'm not a racist. I have many friends of various races and (am) a top minority employer.” To which one law-abiding citizen replied: “I hope you die in a fire with razor blades”.

Sweet Home, Alabama.

Alabama Asians—this is law firm for you, HAHAHAHA.

East Coast

Day Pitney has offices up and down the east coast, from Boston to Miami. Law firms LOVE using (incomprehensible) animal metaphors in their ads. L—we have an ostrich, or maybe an emu. Is the ostrich them? Me? An “ugly” law challenge? “Things?” WHO THE FUCK KNOWS. R—how embarrassing for that stock photo leopard. (both ads scanned from Wall Street Journal).

USA

Bingham McCutchen will not be out-animaled. L—the zebra is me, the lion is my enemy. R—”The best lawyers know how to balance aggression with delicate handling”. The baby is me, the bear is Bingham. Sorry, but that (Photoshopped) baby is about to be swallowed whole. (both ads scanned from Wall Street Journal).

East Coast

OK, follow along. L—”There’s a fine line in litigation between SAFE and SORRY.” I’m the bird. The cage is Zuckerman Spaeder? The lion (my enemy) is about to eat that bird, cage and all, therefore ZS doesn’t get dime one. R—”Don’t fall PREY to ugly lawsuits”. This time I’m a fucking fly. The mason jar is Zuckerman Spaeder, I guess. The iguana will knock over the mason jar, breaking it. The fly will no longer be able fly because it’s been in the jar for weeks. Meal time for Lizzie. Again, no money for ZS. (both ads scanned from Wall Street Journal).

USA

A LAW FIRM UNLIKE ANY OTHER. Back to the Serengeti with Dykema. This time zebras are bad. The giraffe=good=Dykema. Giraffes, according to Wikipedia:

A giraffe's heart has to generate around double the normal blood pressure for a large mammal in order to maintain blood flow to the brain. Male giraffes determine female fertility by tasting the female's urine. Giraffes are thought to be mute.

So, Dykema is an addlebrained piss-drinking animal that can’t talk, even to other giraffe-lawyers. (scanned from Wall Street Journal).

Texas

These injury lawyers from Lubbock consider themselves gorillas (gorillalawfirmdotcom). I don’t think that’s a good thing, unless they take bananas as payment in lieu of money (1 banana=$1,000).

South Dakota

Scott Hoy is a personal injury lawyer in Sioux Falls. Scott Hoy wrote this commercial. Scott Hoy is an extraterrestrial, speaking Human for the first time:

“We’ve seen a series of one-car accidents recently involving rollovers and serious injuries to passengers. I don’t know if it’s video games or what, but it’s so unfair to, after something like this, to blame people in the backseat or say ‘they deserved it’. I don’t like consoling these parents about what’s happened. But I’ll do it, until it stops! Will you please stop? I’m Scott Hoy…”

WILL YOU PLEASE STOP—even though that would put me out of business? “WHAT” is the only acceptable response to the non-earthling Scott Hoy. Also, maybe call the CIA.

USA

Don’t blame the copywriter for your stupid borrowed interest ad, Robins Kaplan, etc. (scanned from Economist)

Canada

Miller Titerle is a Vancouver “boutique” law firm. From their press note:

“There’s no better way to show how badass you are in Canadian Lawyer Magazine than to put your Gastown, Vancouver firm up on horseback.”

Less “badass” is to fake put them up on horseback. Ad agency: Immersive Creative, Vancouver.

Finland

(Click Watch to watch) This spot via The Association Of Finnish Lawyers features 30 seconds of a woman in an office setting lovingly sucking and licking a popsicle that happens to look quite a bit like a dick. The on-screen copy:

“IS THIS SEXUAL HARASSMENT? WE KNOW THE ANSWER.”

I think she’s trying to get the men to whip it out so that she can sue for harassment. Smart woman.

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South Africa

OK, this is not bad. A Johannesburg law firm of bail specialists put this Kama Sutra-inspired poster featuring creative prison sex positions up in men’s rooms in bars and restaurants. Ad agency: Dojo115, Rivonia.