Very Random Collection Of Weird Vintage Ads.

Wicked random.

Yes, I have a folder of “Disturbing Vintage Ads” with 100+ ads in it, including some many of you have already seen.

These ain’t those. Eight ads.

Two free posts in a row. Tomorrow’s won’t be.

1. CHILD CRAFT (1948)

CHILD CRAFT books was a 14-volume set (Buy here for $94.99). Meet his “emotional needs”, OR ELSE you’ll get a “problem child” who’ll kill animals, his friends, even you.

2. LUCKY (1951)

(note the horseshoe around the exclamation point) At first, Lucky maybe tried using real humans, but they didn’t quite look manically happy enough. So they hired illustrator Jack Wittrup. Look into lady angler’s and cheerleader’s eyes: I think they’ve been hitting something stronger than lung darts.

3. PAPER MATE (1961)

AND? How bout “or”? And how bout I start with a pen, and we’ll see how things go from there. Maybe visit a castle in Spain. Or, first, look at slides or a picture book of Spanish castles. Seriously, WHAT with this headline.

4. HERTZ (1965)

Back in 1970s, OJ Simpson was the spokesperson/runner for Hertz, running through airports like a criminal (heh). He probably never hurt himself filming those ads. But this dude. First: He didn’t jump from that open door, unless he can fly. Second: He at least broke a leg or two when he landed in the car, maybe ruptured something, maybe ended up paralyzed. OJ couldn’t even have made that jump.

5. WESSON OIL (1936)

Top half of a Wesson ad. The tuxedo-wearing carrots “celebrate” by drinking Wesson oil? before being chopped up and boiled, uh, dead/partially alive maybe. Well, at least they’ll be lubed up.

6. NORTHERN TRUST BANK (1975)

Gregg and Cindy look like they might be a real couple? If so, Cindy’s eyes seem to be screaming HELP ME, HELP ME.

7. JUBOL (1919)

A French laxative brand. Just look at those Jubol shit scrubbers cleaning your colon—barefooted! How courteous of them! I hope there isn't a fecal bomb coming down the poop chute. This is actually my favorite laxative ad EVER.

8. HOTPOINT (1966)

Top part of a Hotpoint dishwasher ad. *hand up* Is she loading or unloading? Did she also put the dishes away blindfolded? Why is the dishwasher so far from the kitchen? Are there sharp knives in that utensil basket? Why is she so not-dressed? Did this L.A. family wash its dishes with pool water? Does she live with her step-dad? Should we call the authorities?