These Beer Ads Are Bad And They Should Feel Bad

Show me ONE good 2022 beer ad. I'll hold my breath (and pass out).

*Welcome to the second in an ongoing series of posts (here’s the first) where I compose horseshit headlines in the “viral” Millennial style I was taught in my year and a half “writing” for BuzzFeed (as its oldest employee, by far).

In fact, show me ONE good beer ad in the last five years and I’ll etc. Don’t bother. There haven’t been any, I’ve seen them all.

These beer ads are all from this year.

1. Stella Artois (The UK)

See how they slightly cut off the logo = EDGY.

The over-priced beer has a campaign out for their new “unfiltered” lager. It “tells the story of a happy slow-paced (fake) European town where the inhabitants enjoy their beers naked”. Continues Meg Chadwick, senior brand manager at Stella Artois Europe:

“Our campaign ‘Beer, au naturel’ speaks to the truth of our naturally unfiltered beer – a lager in its most natural form.”

See, the people are “unfiltered” by clothing (BRILLIANT). Using naked people to sell “naturalness” has been done and overdone in our near-done industry since the naked “hippies” of the 60s. This campaign (here’s the TV spot, which offers no additional insights) is not at all hip or original or even slightly interesting. Ad agency: Mother, London.

2. The Boot (USA)

The Boot is a beer made for “Booters”—Louisiana residents. That’s all well and nice. But. How did ad agency Fridge choose to show the truly unique nature of the state known as The Boot? How bout young, good-looking people being generically happy in generic outdoor settings? This ad could very literally could be for ANY BRAND OF BEER, ANYWHERE. If I was the owner of the Abita Brewing Co. I’d sell this commercial to other beer brands in other countries—shit, in other states—and let them just digitally insert their beer can or bottle.

3. Miller Genuine Draft (Croatia)

It’s no longer “Miller Time”, #ItsOurTime (pardon the missing apostrophe). Here, via BBDO Zagreb, we see an even more tired advertising conceit: People “spontaneously” dropping what they’re doing and hurrying to a collective destination. Says Paul Cornell, global brand director at Miller:

“This campaign is designed to really capture the mood of our drinkers. They want to socialize on their terms, free of the constraints imposed by Covid and those imposed by convention They want to define how they have fun and want it to be creative, original, memorable, without pretention. We call this fresh socializing and it’s just like Miller, which is uniquely brewed to be the freshest tasting bottled beer”.

“Fresh Socializing”…good one! Especially when describing such an unfresh idea.

4. Little Creatures beer (Australia)

OK. I’m not 100% sure what’s going on here and I’ve purposely ignored any coverage of the ad. But since Little Creatures logo is a baby, I believe this is microscopic footage of conception that has been gaily (Gayly) colorized in honor of Pride Month.

The press note:

“Australia's oldest craft beer has become its most modern. The beer has been relaunched with a mission to become the most inclusive beer in Australia with a huge presence at Sydney Mardi Gras and a 30-second commercial that’s a psychedelic declaration of its aim.”

I don’t know the track, look it up yourself. Ad agency: 72andSunny ANZ.

As long as they were “conceived”. No test tube babies, I guess.

5. Michelob Ultra (Mexico)

“It’s Only Worth It If You Enjoy It”. The most watered-down low-calorie beer triples (Quadruples? I’ve lost count.) down on their specious campaign trying to directly connect their BEER (not a healthy drink) to generic athleticism. I guess it’s working, which directly counters what Tom McElligott and David Ogilvy said about customers not being morons.

Here’s the V/O, plus many of the stupid cliché soundbites are visually portrayed with fake billboards and graffiti:

“What kind of pressure have we been putting out there (who’s ‘we’)? Relax. Some days, impossible is impossible. Period. Don’t sacrifice everything. You can say ‘I won’t. I won’t what they want’ (what?). It’s your choice to be forever faster (thanks, beer!). You are not unlimited. You are not invincible. Remember, you are a human (no duh). It’s never all in or nothing. So write your present (Jesus this awful). Because in order to find your greatness, first you need to find your joy.”

And, slap on Michelob Ultra logo plus tagline. Or Gatorade logo. Or Nike logo. Almost any other brand logo would make more sense than a fucking beer logo. Ad agency: GUT, Mexico City.

Adidas disagrees. Also #13.

6. Peroni (Italy)

“Live Every Moment”. No, EVERY moment, slacker. Here’s the press note:

“Life can be a party, and Peroni wants to show you that. We see people living it up as they enjoy a crisp, refreshing Peroni as the world plays around them like a scene from a musical. You don't have to be in Italy to live every moment, though; you can pick up a Peroni and take the party of Italy to you.”

I have nothing to add except that this commercial is comically fucking terrible.

7. Budweiser (US-OF-FUCKING-A)

Bud introduced “Freedom” cans just before Memorial Day so that ALL of us LEGAL citizens of America can toast the most Freedom-ist country in the whole fucking world, all fucking Summer. Now let’s get shitfaced and shoot some bald eagles or the neighbor’s dog.

8. BrewDog Lost Lager (The UK)

B&W (for better disruption) TV ad via “disruptive” (their word) craft beer brewer BrewDog. Now this is an entertaining soap box (except the boxes are Lost Lager cases) speech…that has absolutely nothing to do with Lost Lager or beer or anything, actually. AH! Here’s the connection, the ending of the speech:

“But while most of us blissfully sip pint after pint of poorly-crafted dreams (She lost me right there.), you could be having something else.”

Something else? Anything else! Again, this could be an ad for ANY FUCKING PRODUCT (OK, maybe not Mr. Clean). Ad agency: Media.Monks.

Furphy Beer (Australia)

OK, here’s the only 2022 beer “ad” (so far) that hasn’t absolutely sucked. Via the press note:

Furphy, an Aussie beer brand that also means an unbelievable tall-tale, wanted to launch their new Crisp Lager … (They) created a real-life tall-tale of their own by installing a 7.8 tonne beer-truck wedged between two skyscrapers in Sydney…”

According to ad agency Thinkerbell (God, I hate that name) the stunt went viral with “serious” media outlets covering the “furphy”.