SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID TAGLINES.

Well, "snappy".

Fan of Mad Magazine? As a kid, my favorite Mad book series was “Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions”. Anyway, you can’t find a good tagline today. It’s pretty much a dead thing. Why? Because good ones are hard to write. And people are now just lazier, weaker.

My answers to today’s dumb taglines will be heavy on the Stupid, light on the Snappy.

It’s date night, and your lover asks you: “Where’re we goin?” And you answer: LET’S GO…PLACES. Your lover (woman) then punches you in the face and hails a cab.

Counteroffer, Toyota: You GO places. Suggestions: TO HELL. FUCK YOURSELF. TAKE A LONG WALK OFF A SHORT PIER. PLAY IN TRAFFIC. etc.

RELAX HARDER? SUCK ME (no teeth, please) HARDER, sugar water. Tell ya what: Send my a pile of money and I’ll try really hard.

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Two alcohol tags. Aperol is an Italian bitter apéritif. Joy. Together. We. How does one JOY? Is this something you do while Adulting, Millennials? TOGETHER WE GET SHITFACED. There, that’s better.

Yellow Tail wine. Tastes Like Happy…Ending? Tastes Like Happy…Gilmore? Tastes Like [Kangaroo Piss]. More accurate. [Yes, I’ve had it.]

Of all the qualifying words that you could’ve put in front of “Safe”, this is maybe the most meaningless. But I’ll try others. Perfectly Safe. Superbly Safe. Fucking Safe. Safely Safe.

This was Milk’s tagline in 2019, don’t know if it still is. No matter, it once was. Milk. Be Morer? Be More Best? Be More Me? Be More Milky? Be More Gastrointestinally Distressed? WHAT?!?!

DEER HUNTING? I don’t have a fucking clue at the moment, angry judgemental buck. Glenfiddich means “valley of the deer” in Scottish Gaelic. Kidding about the deer hunting sir, I’m actually heading to the nearest liquor store or bar, OK? Jesus, don’t gore me.

Now, here’s two good taglines. L—Fall River Massachusetts Police: “WE’LL TRY”. I immediately trust those cops, no questions asked. R—Via Milford, NJ. Just tell it like it is, fuckers. Maybe add a literal piece of shit mascot and some stink lines.