If AI Isn't Writing These Crappy Ads It Damn Well Should Be (free post).

I spend too much time scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and, Jesus! that's AWFUL.

Folks ask me often: ‘Where do you find all these ads you post?’ Well. One—I have an enormous archive. Two—I bookmark everything. Three—I spend most of every fucking day looking at ads on the Internet.

These are the reasons why it’s worth $40 a year to read my Substack. Those, and the inarguable fact that I am: The Best Ad Critic In The World™ (trademark pending).

This is my free post for the week. If you wanna fully see the other four, every week, please buy a subscription, below:

All of these ads are not ones emailed to me by ad agencies or posted on ad collection websites. All of them are ads I found in the world wild web.

Prada

12 WORDS. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much meaningless BULLSHIT crammed into so few words.

“…ever-unfolding enigmatic fragments of stories reflecting facets of humanity sides of personae”.

OK, fixing the maybe? typo—human instead of humanity—aren’t all “sides of personae” human? What the Fucking Hell am I doing trying to figure this disgusting word salad out. Full Disclosure: I own two Prada ties.

LEMSIP

HOWEVER, YOU COLD? That would make some sense, as an informal conversational question, as in, I left out the “ARE”, as in ARE YOU COLD?, as in I TURNED DOWN THE THERMOSTAT, HOWEVER, ARE YOU COLD? There. FTFY, LEMSIP.

UNKNOWN BRANDS

L—Oh just fuck right off. R—”discover you’re healthy”, maybe? OK, now I’m interested.

McDonald’s

“McSpicy face…is here to stay” Is that a bad thing or a good thing? It seems unhealthy, terminally so. I guess I should just “own it”.

Kohler

Philosoraptor asks: If you take a shit on a deserted desert road and there’s nobody there to smell it, does it stink?

“Bold isn’t a destination. It’s journey”.

Send your faeces on a bold wicked-expensive journey (to the ocean) with Kohler’s new $8,000+ “smart toilet”.

Maserati Grecale

Prada, you have bullshit competition.

“Breathe beauty. (I don’t know how to do that) Move forward. (That I can do) Let exceptional enter your everyday. (Awful alliteration alarm activated) Sweeping performance (Is it also a vacuum?)

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NOTE: I found some of these ads in my Twitter feed; here’s who/what I follow.