HOW OLD ARE YOU (Part One)?

ME? Dirt is my son.

(Every once in awhile [like, every fucking day], I get sick and tired of writing about advertising. So, I started a Getting To Know Copyranter series, where I share some personal details.)

I’ve extended the discounted yearly subscription ($40) forever. Buy yours here.

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“Happy” New Year. Happy getting Older. I can’t just LEAP into reviewing ads to start the year, I’m not that much of a masochist. I’ll tell the story of my youth with images and video and minimal copy.

1. CLUELESS MILLENNIALS

Let’s start here and now. The above Millennial thinks they have it alllll figured out: I’d be just fine, believe me. I counter with this: I’ll send YOU back to the 80s during our recession—which was much worse than your so-called “depression” of 2008-10 (check the 82-83 numbers, sweetheart)—drop you down with no job, no fucking Internet, and roll the cameras.

2. Alcohol Consumption

Thanks to my Dad, I started drinking beer before I knew I was drinking beer.

3. LUNCH

Yes, we carried our lunch to school in racist, violent containers. I personally had a Rat Patrol box (below).

DIE, AFRIKA KORPS KRAUTS.

4. GAMES

“Video” games? Yeah-Nah. Dodgeball. It’s been banned in schools by this generation, LOFL. “Don’t aim for the head, kids”. Oh teacher, you just don’t get it. Once we got home, time to throw missiles at each other, sometimes at the ring on the ground.

5. FIRST AID

We, inevitably, often got injured—scrapes, cuts, holes. This stuff was in every one of our medicine cabinets. It was never a new bottle, it was a bottle that had been passed down from at least one generation. It did not tickle. Stained your skin. Probably helped very little.

6. DISCIPLINE

Was a whipped? You betcha. And slapped. Hard.

7. “FUNDS”

DITTO.

8. TECHNOLOGY—TV

True, true. Right—one of the great commercial actors of our generation. If you know, you know. If you don’t, Google Image her.

9. TECHNOLOGY—“SMART” PHONES

Oh. YEAH. And don’t worry, you weren’t gonna break this motherfucker.

10. BEFORE SOCIAL MEDIA…

What did I do before “social” media? I socialized with other kids. Often, dangerously. We’d climb trees/buildings, jump from trees/buildings, or do something even more nonsensical (below).

11. IN SUMMATION…