Five Recent Ads That Make Me Feel Ill

Not simply bad ads, sickening ads.

1. Verizon’s Paul Giamatti ads

First he was Scrooge, now Einstein. I don’t begrudge actors making bank selling out. But Verizon, Paul? The spots are fucking shitty. I know you’re not writing them; some shitty agency copywriter or shitty director is. Above, when Scrooge-Paul fake-exclaims “WOW” about the phone/offers, it makes me queasy.

At least he’s “acting”.

And then there’s the terrible fake German Einstein accent. The copy is somehow even worse here. When he screams BRILLIANT” dead Einstein’s skull power pukes into the roof of his coffin. Also, this is the billionth time Einstein has been used in an ad.

2. Bounty: “Lottery”

The fake husband and wife (and lottery host) screaming “NO” in slo-mo as the spill slowly heads toward the winning lottery ticket—RIVETING. I don’t just want the ticket ruined, I want the fake couple to grab their handgun and, in turn, eat a bullet. And THEN, see the medics quickly pick up their brains from the floor using Bounty brand paper towels. THAT would be a good ad.

3. Hyundai Santa Fe: “Squeegee”

The EV driver here is supposed to be the “Hero”. He is actually more of a dick than the gas station attendant. Hero wants to use squeegee to clean car windshield, for free. Attendant says squeegee is free, with gas. Angry Asshole driver then pumps in 86 cents worth of gas.

You pull into a GAS station just to use the squeegee? Me, I grab a gas nozzle and start denting the shit out of your overpriced EV.

4. Cricket Wireless

ALL of their commercials with their boring idiotic furry mascot(s) in them. I want to punch them in the face until time ends/my arms get tired.

5. McDonald’s: Free McDonald’s For Life

“Prize based on 2 meals a week for 50 years”.

Oh. Fucking. Boy. Imagine the diarrhea. You ain’t gonna live near that long eating that shit every week. Just give me the money.