Embarrassing Big Brand Ads From The Recent Past That They'd Rather You Didn't See

"What were they thinking" doesn't quite cover these cringey ads.

Fifteen years ago, print wasn’t as dead as it is now. Big brands still placed ads in magazines and even newspapers. Well, those were the early days of my ad blogging career. I was still a copywriter at the NYC agency I worked at for 20 years. And, like most ad agencies, we got lots of magazines and newspapers delivered for free. And we had a high quality copier/printer/scanner machine in-house. So, I spent about half of my workdays copywriting and half scanning/blogging. (Also, about an hour a day, shooting pool on our nine-foot, 100-year-old Brunswick table; yes I could hustle your ass.)

To the ads, most of which aren’t online because they were scanned by me.

Shell (2007)

Ad scanned from Wall Street Journal. Flowers coming out of smoke stacks. From the world’s ninth largest corporate producer of greenhouse gas emissions. Ain’t that some shit. The copy reads:

"If only we had a magic trash can that we could throw stuff in and make it disappear forever. (Why is Shell talking to Wall Street Journal readers like they're first-graders?) What we can do is find creative ways to recycle. Greenhouses (how many?) use our waste CO2 to grow flowers (That explains the grossly misleading illustration, but doesn’t forgive it). And our waste sulphur to make super-strong concrete. Real energy solutions for the real world."

Big Oil companies spend a fraction of a fraction of their yearly revenue on alternative energy initiatives. Which is in stark contrast to the large portion of their ad budgets that goes to promoting them. Big Oil wasn’t in a big-ass hurry to deliver "real" alternative energy solutions then, and they sure as shit ain’t now.

Absolut (2007)

Ad scanned from a European magazine. Absolut giddily created a juvenile God image that has the brilliant effect of making fun of the climate crisis. Nice one, you idiotic buffoons. And in an "Absolut” world, wouldn't the oceans be all Absolut vodka? And I wonder what, exactly, the making, distributing, and selling of Absolut did in 2007 to help the planet other than make some of us pass out and forget about the situation for a few hours.

Intel (2007)

At the cubicle slave farm, you bow to your cotton khaki-panted master. This ad was created by big-ass ad agency McCann. I’m trying to imagine how many white corporate morons saw and approved this—anyway you look at it—horribly racist (also horribly Photoshopped) print ad that ran in Tech magazines? Believe me, it was more than a few.

Allstate (2006)

Above: portion of a full-page ad scanned from Wall Street Journal. The ad’s headline:

If San Francisco Had The Same Size Quake As In 1906, It Could Cost $400 billion To Rebuild.

You’re In Good Hands With Allstate? Not if they shake your city’s snow globe. They apparently thought that this was an appropriate visual to show the good business people of Shaky Town.

Starbucks (2006)

(Sorry for the bleed-through. I forget which magazine I scanned this from.) Starbucks presents a "new way to refresh"—capture and abuse a penguin. Cool! Yep, go to your local zoo, forcibly grab a penguin, put a fucking dog collar around its neck, visit your local deli, tie the penguin up to a parking meter outside, grab yourself an overpriced can of iced coffee, and then take your new pet for a walk at the hot beach. Refreshing! The poor flightless fella looks damn thirsty, huh? Wonder if the douchebag knows that penguins are perfectly capable of drinking salt water? Who cares! He’s like, "Quit squawking and keep walking. This is sooo going to get me laid."

Belvedere vodka (2012)

The French hooch brand posted this knee-slapper of a rapey, forced blowjobby ad to their Facebook and Twitter pages, and then pulled it less than an hour later. First, they lamely half-apologized on Twitter. Then, the company brass got involved and issued a real apology and donated money to an anti-sexual violence organization.

Burger King (2009) and QSOL (2007)

Speaking of blowjobby ads! (L)—IT’LL BLOW…BK aid via Singapore. Copy starts "Fill your desire for something long, juicy and flame-grilled..." Nice misogynistic touch making the woman look like a fucking blow-up doll. Burger King Corporate sloppily apologized for the ad. The stock photo model who was used illegally in the ad exchanged emails with me, giving her side to this bullshit. (R)—Another stock photo model unwillingly is made the butt of a bad blowjob joke. I’m sure all the tech bros were high-fiving until their hands were as red as her lips.

KIA (2011)

This sleazy-ass Brazilian ad for the Kia Sportage won a Press Silver Lion at Cannes in 2011. It was promoting the car’s dual zone A/C. And, as you can see, also statutory rape. You can bet most, if not all, of the judges who voted for this ad were unattractive, older white men. Kia America tried to apologize.

M&Ms (2007)

My M&Ms for business. Ad scanned from Business Week. Lilly Insulin? That's a bit ironic isn't it? OK, sending a poison pill M&M to an overly aggressive investment banker is kinda funny. But “clean out your desk”? Fired by M&M is better than by email, I guess.