PLEASE.
1. Coors Light “Chill” Polish (USA)
Unlike me, do you have trouble ascertaining when you’re beer is perfectly “cold” enough to drink? Well, The World’s Most Watered-Down Beer™ has your stupid back.
Per the press release:
The nail lacquer initially starts as a slate gray, and turns into an icy blue when cooled, matching the evolving palette of the mountains on the beer cans, which also change from gray to blue at the optimal temperature.
Holy Shit Balls, WOW. Coors teamed with “professional nail varnish company LeChat Nails to create the thermochromic color”. And it only costs seven bucks! Christmas shopping = DONE. Tip via Design Taxi.
2. KFC “Brainwave Bucket” (Hong Kong)
The promo was titled: DON’T OVERTHINK JUST INDULGE.
To the press release, where PR/Ad Agency Edelman tried to make this idiocy sound not idiotic:
“…we created the KFC Brainwave Bucket - a brain-sensing helmet with a built-in headband that analyses people’s brain activity. The data from the helmet is connected to an app which provides real-time biofeedback (bio?) showing how active the mind is. The helmet design, and the mind-detecting enclosure, is based on KFC’s iconic bucket. People are invited to sit inside the bucket-esque structure and wear the helmet on their head, after which they’re encouraged to switch off and think less with the help of some Finger Lickin’ Good chicken.”
The event “launch” was supposedly at a KFC in Hong Kong in October, where “Those who embrace(d) the comforting qualities of the Colonel’s signature chicken and stop(ped) overthinking (were) rewarded with more fried chicken!”
Were any customers electrocuted? Rendered brain-dead? Did they receive printouts proving that they were over- under-thinkers? Did the Edelman creatives who thought up this shit-bucket idea test their own brain activity, or lack thereof?
3. Papa John's “Planet Chorizo” (UK)
Papa J’s, maybe the shittiest pizza in the universe, imaged a sausage planet. Why? Who the FUCK knows. Again, a stupid fucking press release:
“To celebrate this limited-time-offering, Papa Johns are launching you to ‘Planet Chorizo’ – a glamazon world of fashion, flavour and of course, chorizo.
The spot, created by Atomic London with production house Sticker Studios, takes stylistic inspiration from popular shows Euphoria and Sex Education (O RLY), tapping in to the current Gen-Z obsession with space-age fashion and make-up and combining it with the out-of-this-world flavour of chorizo.”
The connection between sausage and space has long been established, I guess, because space rockets are phallic?
4. Frito-Lay “Cracker Jill” (USA)
Last Summer, “Cracker Jill” snack packs were sold at all MLB ballparks. Despite the slur name, some of the flexing Jills appear to be non-Caucasian.
Said Tina Mahal, Vice President of Marketing for Frito-Lay North America:
“We are constantly inspired by the many women who are making history by breaking the mold, and we want to celebrate their achievements while supporting the progress. We’ve been so inspired by how girls and women are changing the face of the game, so in this spirit we introduce Cracker Jill to show girls that they’re represented even in our most iconic snacks.”
There you go, girls. You’re “represented”. Frito-Lay donated a whole $200,000 to The Women’s Sports Foundation. Two things to consider here: 1. What ballparks charge for snacks. 2. How much money Frito-Lay will make off of this transparent appropriation of female athleticism. But hey: They also Jill-ified “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”.
5. Oscar Meyer “Bologna Face Mask” (USA)
“My bologna mask has a first name, it’s ‘WHAT-THE-FUCKING-HELL’. My bologna mask has a second name, it’s ‘WOW THAT FUCKING STINGS’.
No, it wasn’t made of bologna nor did it smell like meat, and the packaging featured “DO NOT EAT BOLOGNA MASKS” in large red letters on the back (probably should have put that on the front).
Yes, it apparently stung and the stinging increased the longer you wore it, according to this in-depth review via Eater. Still, it sold out on Amazon in a few hours. Because your average American consumer isn’t much smarter than your average American brand.