A Close Examination Of New Laughably Pretentious Bottled Water Ads
The tagline is: STOP. That's it, one word. STOP.
Three new spots from Columbia for Manantial bottled water (a Coca-Cola product). Each features DEEP words about time from a different poet, spoken be one of the most haughty voiceover voices I’ve ever heard.
“But it’s ‘award-winning’ bottled water,” you might possibly be saying. Yes it is. The award was given out by an industry beverage group that awards a lot of beverages a lot of awards. Circle Jerk of Branding, or something.
IT’S BOTTLED. FUCKING. WATER.
The three videos feature stock footage-looking happy slices of the life of an attractive couple. It’s the kind of generic shit that makes me feel ill.
(All letter-boxed, for super extra special pretentiousness)
First up, the profound words of Philip Larkin:
“What are days for? Days are where we live. They come, they wake us, time and time over. They are to be happy in. Where can we live but days.”
Go fuck yourself, Larkin. Then, the sell words:
“STOP. And live a moment that will never return. Taken from a spring in cold weather at an altitude of three thousand three hundred meters (…) Agua Manantial. STOP. (DETENTE)”
Second, the mystifying language Jorge Luis Borges:
“Time is the substance of which I’m made. Time is a river that sweeps me along. But I’m that river. It is a tiger that destroys me. But I am the tiger. It is a fire that consumes me. But I’m the fire.”
Jesus, that’s depressing Borges. “My body is 60% water. And I am the water.” Has a poet ever written that line? That would at least connect the ad to the fucking product. The sell changes slightly:
“STOP. And live a moment that will never return. Taken from a spring under the silver sun (we have a silver sun?) at an altitude of three thousand three hundred meters (…) Agua Manantial. STOP.”
Lastly, the learned Henry van Dyke:
“Time is too slow for those who wait. Too swift for those who fear. Too long for those who grieve. Too short for those who rejoice. But for those who love, Time is not.”
Damn, van Dyke, speaking of time, I right now desperately want, need, a drink of fucking artisanal fucking bottled water. Nah, just kidding. Sell copy again changes slightly:
“STOP. And live a moment that will never return. Taken from a spring under October winds, at an altitude of three thousand three hundred meters (…) Agua Manantial. STOP.”
I have never heard of these poets. And I’m not looking them up. Their words made no impression on me. None. And they didn’t make me the least bit thirsty. Obviously what happened with this 100% pure horseshit is somebody at the ad agency (Fantástica) Googled “time” quotes. Voilá—campaign.